"This is the greatest show"-The Greatest Showman

Impossible. Improbable. Unrealistic. Wondrous.


As I sit here, I think of life as it is now.
My lungs filling with air as my chest rises and falls. Filled with life and appreciation for life.
Gratitude.
I have so much gratitude for my family and for those that love me enough to be here through the hardest time in my life.
The veil is pulled back and I can see the road ahead and for the first time I'm excited. I have a vision of my life that was previously clouded. Now what was once unknown and improbable, seems more than possible.
It seems like opportunity.
It seems like a wondrous journey and as I take my first steps into this new life, my eyes are taking in everything surrounding me.
With a smile, I move forward knowing that the future, though uncertain, has the opportunity to be whatever I need it to be.

When people think you’re ‘all better’ because they see the corners of your mouth upturned,

When they think that nice sweater is an indicator of your health,

When they think that if you laugh that a miracle has become you or that they’ve caught you,

Know this one thing....

Life will out.

During pain and suffering, life will out.

During times of judgement, life...will...out.

As long as your heart is pounding in your chest and you can feel the air in your lungs, life...will...out. 

Whether they like it or not, you are here.

You are breathing.

You are living.

Make it spectacular.

Sometimes I wonder if I will live to be elder

As I lay awake in my comfort shelter.

Sometimes I wonder if I am enough,

To get through this complicated stuff.

At times I feel doubt as life slips through my fingers,

I hang to the moment as it lingers.

I try to sing and try to feel joy,

But life plays on like a childrens’ toy.

I stare at you as a child with wonder,

And I ponder if I will drag you asunder.

I sing and I pray and I cry and I carry on,

Wondering if we are singing the same song.

The one where we feel each others embrace, and times 

When I could read every look upon your face. 

Your breath moves your chest and I wonder what’s inside,

What’s going on, and is it too late to try.

But the truth is it’s never to late-

To hang on to what you love and embrace your fate.

Your eyes whisper queitly in the dark,

Of a world that I crave to be a part.

But you love me. My insanity. My mind.

Your eyes look upon me so soft and so kind.

You’re quiet but your loud with your care.

There isn’t a moment where I wonder if you’ll be there.

You fight for me when I am too weak.

When I am at my lowest you carry me to the peak.

You do so without return. Without asking and with so much concern.

You shelter me in your love and you push me to be stronger.

If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here any longer.

You hold me up when I’m to weak to speak- to utter another phrase, you love me in spite of these harder days.

Even when I walk the hardest path, you save me everyday from the worlds wrath.

What you need to see as I do now 

Is your more than enough even if you don’t know how.

You make me feel safe in a world out for itself,

And you never make me feel lower on your shelf.

You do so fearlessly and with love in your heart,

You never run from the fight, and you’ve done that from the start. 

You’ll be here til the end and I realize that now,

We will make it through though we are not sure quite how. Hands held tightly, breathe in and out,

This is love- what it’s all about.

It’s not the toothpaste or toilett papar roll,

It’s more than your typical mold. 

You are my life and my choice and I will never look back,

You’re in my head, my body, and in my stack.

You’re here even though you have a choice to walk away.

That means more than words can say.

If I could have you a second time I’d do everything the same- just to have the last words on my lips as your name.

You hold me tight and I cry in fright. 

You tell me it’s ok and I believe you anyway.

You’ve made this life one I never want to leave. I need nothing else- I need no repreive. You’re here and I see everyday you are with me.

If all else fails beyond our bodies in ill repair- just know I’m still me and I’m always right there.

Yesterday I realized as you sat and shook

That life is no fairytale read from a book

Your eyes unfocused. Your face a flush,

The surge of worry- an adrenaline rush.

Heart is poinding as I stare at the door, 

Helplessly wondering if I would see you anymore.

I held your hand and layed my head on the rail- all I could do was cry and pray,

At this moment, I’d trade any amount in the world if only God would let you stay.

Results are in and you’re ok, 

Seems the stress in our world finally gave way.

The floods rushed in and time felt faint,

I looked at you as Christians look to a saint.

You’ve been here for me, quiet and steady in your time,

I didn’t realize the turmoil hidden behind your eyes.

I replayed our memories in my head,

And replayed every word that you’ve ever said,

And my God my God how I’m glad that your not dead.

It reminds me that this is a beginning and certainly not the end. 

Perspective comes in waves-crashing upon our shores.

Chances come in fleeting winds and pass upon unopened doors.

Cherish and be greatful for the things that you often neglect, like a smile or some sign of respect.

Love who you are but never fear the change,

If you wait too long, your life falls out of range.

As long as we’re here, we’re together in this,

And until the day I die, there is not a moment- a second that I would miss.

What’s going to be my purpose,

When the current purpose ends?

When my position now cloacked in the obsolete fades as mist.

When the sun sets on that day and I become the new person embarking on a new day. A new chance to be someone different. 

I’m exhausted and I’m tattered and held together by rusty staples. 

Every movement sounds like a bag of stones clacking against eachother. The sound in the silence is deafening.

When I awake in the dew, who will I be then?

Will I be noble or strong?

Will I be wiser or scorned and fearful?

Or will I be flames that rise,

Or tides that consume. Consume in this life what I could not do in the past. Soak up everymoment and own it in its totality. My world may be small, but the universe is bright.

I try to see the beautiful

I try to see light in dark places

Even as much as words seem true, the snake coils around its pray. 

People take advantage of your kindness almost as a game,

But still it was my choice and still it all remains the same.

You slither. You coil. You hide away.

You are an illusion.

It’s amazing how much is said that goes unheard. Even more amazing that it’s more ignored than unheard. Purposefully but without much thought. If she can’t be the happy girl, then she’s a drag. Boring. Downer. And my favorite...negative. But when my light is on and I can help, I’m the life of the party. I’m great and smart and optomistic. Certainly a better person to be around. But plastic. But then I came to realize most others are plastic. A world full of shiny skin and fake smiles. I am not sure when, but somehow I picked up the torch and cannot put it down. It’s glued to my skin like a childs project. I always think that I should or can stop. Stop being there and be idle. Let the world blow up around me. But that’s not me. I wish I knew why people cannot recognize the similarity. When they have a bad day, they experience it. They break. As they should. Why then are those people confused when you are broken. Is it so uncomfortable that they have to walk by the shards of glass as if they never existed? I hope one day a shard gets stuck in their heels as they walk by. Maybe then they’ll remember they can still feel.