My journey after two months of a situation I will not
describe here has left me wounded and raw.
It’s left me exposed. So in this exposure, I’m overly
emotional and contemplative. I over analyze and surfacing was a self that I had
long since banished and forgotten.
She is unsure of herself. She is constantly questioning
every move and action. She constantly wonders if she is unworthy of love.
People tend not to understand this from her, as they’ve
never been introduced. Since they don’t know this person, their reaction to her
isn’t always supportive, though not usually detrimental in their view.
Every wrong lesson she had learned and overcome came back
into question. Every insecurity now magnified ten times and staring her
straight in the eyes.
For the first time in a while, she feels afraid and unsafe
in her surroundings as if the ground could crumble beneath her.
She’s building new walls, brick by brick, while experiencing
sorrow the entire time. A deep and aching sorrow and loss.
She stands up every day, goes to work and wears a smile as
an armor to the rest of the world. She has learned that permanency is a myth
and that everything on this Earth ends. She is having trouble realizing just
how false this supposed lesson is. It is just her mind spinning like plates on
wooden poles at a circus.
She works at this every day. She works to undo this message
of defeat and some days she wins the small battles and some days she is left
bloodied and bruised on the battlefield.
Because if she was worthy, wouldn’t she be loved?
She tries desperately to love herself only she finds herself
a foreign concept now. She doesn’t recognize this new person or recognize her
own power.
It doesn’t mean she stops trying. In fact she never stops.
She continues to rise after every hit to her soul. She even still believes that
her dreams are still possible but it doesn’t mean that every day isn’t a
different sort of struggle between the heart and the mind.
This journey has changed her. For better or worse, she is
forever changed.
